If you haven't yet discussed your fears with your partner, there are ways of dealing with your suspicions of an affair.The article details some important steps you should take before starting to investigate your partner’s activities. You have nothing to lose and you owe it to your relationship to at least try this approach first.
However, f you still have genuine suspicious after talking things through with your partner, it may be time to think about digging deeper. Understand that by doing this, you’re invading your partner’s privacy and risk shattering the relationship, whether your partner is innocent or guilty. Depending on where you live, there may even be legal considerations. Tread carefully and check the law for your country or state: don’t risk doing anything illegal.
Cell Phones
Most affairs make prolific use of cell phones – they’re discreet (you can step outside to take a call and generally only the owner gets to see the bill). Assuming your partner hasn’t locked the keypad of their cell phone, your first stop should be the address book. Look for names that you don’t recognize and that don’t match the pattern of the rest of the names and numbers in the phone: Shona Williams, listed with a business number, cell number and home number is probably a business contact, if that’s how all other contacts are listed. ‘Shona’ on its own, with just a cell number listed, is more suspicious. Of course, if your partner is having an affair with someone he or she also works with, finding out the truth is going to be tricky.
Check text messages – it’s possible that your partner has deleted suspicious incoming messages as soon as they’re read, but hasn’t realized that outgoing messages are saved on most phones as well. Assuming you don’t have a great deal of time with your partner’s cell phone, look first at any texts sent to contacts that stood out in the address book.
If you’re suspicious about a particular call – like the one your partner slipped out to make at 2a.m., claiming it was to a business contact in Japan – try checking the call log and note down the number. At the very least, you can note the country and area code and check it tallies with what your partner told you. If the call was to someone in the phone’s address book, you should be able to see straightaway who the call was really to.
Interested in longer-term information? Check the paper bills (gradually becoming a thing of the past now – if your partner has signed up for online billing, you’re out of luck).
Second Cell Phones
Some cheating partners go as far as to buy a second cell phone to use solely for conducting the affair – with cell phones so cheap and easily available, who can blame them? If the second cell phone is kept at work it may be difficult to uncover its existence, but look out for paper bills from a carrier you don’t recognize and check your partner’s standard carrier bills for details of a second phone.
Finally, don’t overlook the obvious: if your partner works from home or is a homemaker, check the landline bills.
Remember that nothing you find on a cell phone or bill (with the possible exception of a text message that talks openly about the affair) could have an innocent explanation. Don’t jump to conclusions – find a way to clarify things or delicately broach the subject with your partner before you throw accusations around. Your partner – and your relationship – deserves the benefit of the doubt.
What if your partner’s cell phone is clean, and you still have suspicions? There are other warning signs you can look for and if you’re determined to proceed, this article has more information on how to examine email, bank records and your partner's behavior for signs of an affair.
Phil Marley - My writing aims include: Applying psychological theory to real life relationshipsExplaining how body language can reveal meaning beyond ...
